Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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