My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
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I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
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You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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