last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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