Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
