My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
