So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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