The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Someone shattered a urinal.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
