Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
