i wish there were pregnant emoticons
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
