Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
organizing the empties. That sober.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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