how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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