Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
