just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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