He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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