Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
