I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
