hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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