Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
