He uses pillows to masturbate.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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