He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
