If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
