Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
