what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
