is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
