I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
