I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I think i peed on brittanys purse
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
