you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
