Don't make out with my wife yet
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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