I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
