Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
