I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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