last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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