I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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