he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
FUCK WHALES
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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