When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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