i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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