hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
