I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
