I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My pussy is not your playground.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
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I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
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Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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