If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I can't turn off my feet"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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