My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
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No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
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Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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