Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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