I just cut my nipple shaving
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
