so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
