No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
