I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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