chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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