he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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