1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
wanna go halves on a baby?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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