I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
