i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
