When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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