She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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